Finger Licking Good

22 Aug

I just finished giving myself a manicure (because I’m cheap) and had a thought…

If fashion/person style is an outward expression of one’s personality then, why do people fail to take that same philosophy and apply it to their nails?

The quality of our nails tell onlookers how we value ourselves. Even if you don’t pay much attention to your own nails, others do. We spend so much time meticulously debating on what these shoes say, how our butt looks in these jeans, and is this top in season but, get ghetto and trailer trash when it comes to our nails. Guys included!

I am a nail bitter but at 25-years-old there is no reason my hands should be anywhere near my mouth. We all know food rarely does.

Think of the nasty nails you’ve seen on display. Like those dragon nails- a la LaQuita who works the register at  Burger King, Craig the dude you decided to hookup with but afraid of his claws touching you down there in fear of a hysterectomy. I absolutely hate French tips, French tips are for porn star. I completely understand everyone has their own personal style however, showing off dated nail trends screams, “I don’t have friends!”

Just as much time you put into your ensemble the same should go into your nails. I mean it is a part of your hygiene.

I’ll be the first to say I don’t have perfect nails but at least my hands don’t look like falcon talons.

Here are three personal tips to help correct these tacky nail blunders.

Burger Nails
Your finger nails shouldn’t look like you were so hungry you forgot where the burger ended and your nails began.

Chipped nail polish, ridged nails and mangled cuticles are something that we all are guilty of. I know people try to get their money worth or just don’t have time to stop, re-coat and clip.

However, it’s this simple…

If you see it we do too. FIX IT!

If you are too lazy for proper upkeep go for a buff or try a clear polish. The best coat to buy is Sally Hansen Natural Shine. This instant finish dries fast and it takes a while before you will need a new coat even through dish duty and filing. Invest in a manicure set, Burt’s Bees makes an outstanding natural lemon butter cuticle creme and hand salve. Don’t forget to moisturize, I use Burt’s Bees Wax natural almond milk hand creme. Your hands will tell your age before you face does.

Fake Fatty 
Due to the fact that I’m a guy and never had to deal with such beauty regimen I’ve yet to understand why anyone would make it a beauty routine to get acrylics. I’ve even seen men get them.

As a teen my best friend went every other Saturday the nail salon to lacquer her cuticles. I strongly believe that’s the reason why she remained single. Guys like scratches on their back but not stab wounds.

The only non-tacky lengths for nails I endorse are short with a nice oval or rounded shape. You need the most grip you can get when squeezing yourself into those obviously small pants you insisting on wearing?

It’s gross to leave the house with nails of varying lengths. Think of all the crap trapped under your fingertips. A great simple alternative is SHORT especially with men.

Nothing is less attractive not to mention painful than being groped by a dude with hooks. Unless you’re a pimp there is no need to have a pinky nail the length of your actual pinky. Invest in a finger nail file and use it. As much time you spend looking down at your nails as you text, update Facebook and Twitter take a little time out to update your nail length.

Guy’s bare/buffed nails are ideal if you are too busy for manicures or innately lazy like me.

Everyone should own a nail brush! Clean and scrub. No one want someone else’s DNA on them when they shake your hand.


6 Responses to “Finger Licking Good”

  1. Allie Santiago August 23, 2011 at 11:04 am #

    “…I’ve yet to understand why anyone would make it a beauty routine to get acrylics.”

    THANK YOU! Amen.

  2. BougieHippie August 23, 2011 at 11:06 am #

    Some ppl think they’re classy when they are definitively not.

  3. Kiah August 23, 2011 at 12:41 pm #

    Acrylics are so 1990’s!! Everytime I think of them I think of Shanaynay on Martin! lol Thanks for all of your sweet comments. You manicure looks FANTASTIC! Kiah

  4. Harija August 24, 2011 at 3:37 pm #

    Great post with lots of information!
    Also, thank you so much for the lovely comment!

  5. August 29, 2011 at 6:09 pm #

    Great post! All so true, I do give myself pedis every week then get em professionally done every month… but I can’t do my damn hands… and wont try! lol I did use to wear acrylics but I much preferred putting the UV gel on my actual nail… until they started making gel nail pollishes…. so much healthier! And I do buff the boyfriends nails from time to time…

  6. rimmington bumsprout October 11, 2011 at 10:27 am #

    are you gay

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