Friends Should Come With Nutrition Facts.

14 Jun

The worst thing about having straight female girlfriends is that they get pregnant and married. If you don’t know me by now I don’t like a fat pregnant girl.

So the last 3yrs I’ve been trying to make male gay friends that are like myself: thin, witty, stylish and intelligent. Thus far I have succeed though, they all live in different cities Dallas, Houston, Baton Rouge New Orleans and Philadelphia.

Granted this can be good for free places to crash when I’m on vacation however, unless I start bringing my laptop to social functions and skyping to have a crew with me I need to make friends here locally.

As frustrating as deciding on a low-fat figure forgiving yet delicious delicacy choosing friends can be as tedious.

Like the Erykah Badu song titled “Apple Tree” goes “I pick me friends like I pick my fruit granny told me that when I was only a youth.” I’ve applied this to real life.

Some will make you look fat, some will upset your stomach and raise your blood pressure causing a headache and some will give you the ittis (filling you up on all their drama that it makes you physically tired almost sleepy.)

This last year I have made three male friends let’s call them (Cantaloupe, Lemon and Pear.)

Now all of these are fat free howbeit: Cantaloupe is sweet and nice yet no one really goes back for more, Lemon is always sour and great when added to cleaning product but never seems to be enjoyable unless mixed with sugar and Pear is straight up boring.

Here’s the problem…
Last weekend I had a heated conversation with one of my friends and got indigestion. I had to regurgitate Lemon, spit out Cantaloupe and Google the effect of Pears once you eat too many.

Look everyone knows everything about me is fabulous and I’m perfect. I don’t put my personal drama on you, I don’t expect unrealistic things from you and I accept you as you are. Most importantly I don’t mind if you bog me down with your problem that’s what friends are there for is to listen…right?
Withal that being said if you come to me with the same silly problems of course you are going to get the same answer every time. What I’m realizing that these guys come to me with the same issues expecting a different response and outcome. Isn’t that the definition of insanity?

Cantaloupe problem is he keeps getting involved in relationships where the other guy is unaware of. My final analysis: If he f^ck you a never calls that booty average.

Lemon problem is he makes his problems everyone else problem. Me to him: Hey, don’t no body want to hear that s#!t obviously everyone moved on but you that crap happened years ago literally (he complains about events that happened in 2007-2010.)Your ex is screwing someone new you should too.

With Pear the problem is just that he’s just a boring dude. When we are together we have a blast but when I try to mix him with others he shuts down, all the same he wonders why he’s single and never has anything to do. So I’m always finding myself after a function explaining to my other friends why he’s so shy, quite and anti-sociable. But he’s cool people.

When it come to me I have stated this multiple times I don’t care what people say about me or think about me although I don’t like to be misunderstood.

So, after I had to ask a friend to leave my house I realized if I can digest you and you can digest me then what are we doing.

How can a person get upset about my answers when presenting problems to me and always rehashing the same situations and making every gathering uncomfortable but I’m suppose to deal with you as is?

Why are men so soft and women are the one with thick skin and resilience?

I’m out here looking like a fool because I’m defending you due to the fact that you were broken up with in the meat section at Wal-Mart days before his ex moved back in only to find out you two were never dating just screwing.

I’m here biting my tongue and giving sound advice every time you bring up a dude that has been in four relationships since your breakup that you still pining over who’s not even thinking about you.

I’m here laughing at the jokes you make about how you got the dudes on a string paying your bills when they only take you to the movies, call when it’s something they need and feed you two for twenty and you can’t pay your real bills all the while you still letting them screw.

What give me stomach cramps is that I’m listening to all this and I’m the villain by reasons of my answers are always negative.

I have written the blog to say…

Girls I miss you all Nikki, Christina, Shaniqua, Corrisa, Thao and the rest of you. I miss you all so much I’m willing to babysit only if you promise not to get fat again.


8 Responses to “Friends Should Come With Nutrition Facts.”

  1. Johnnys504 June 15, 2011 at 1:07 pm #

    Lmao! What…a delusional Fruit basket you’ve chosen. People don’t want the truth Oliver. I accepted this a long time ago. I never understood why everyone always thought I was an asshole and it’s bc I’m to honest. It is what it is. Life is tough. Build a bridge and get over it. Now instead of correcting ppl I let them bask in their ignorance and just talk to my bestfriend Portia about how delusional and mis-guided they are. That’s just that. People are delusional. Plain and simple.

    • BougieHippie June 15, 2011 at 1:23 pm #

      This is why you’re my fave. I’m a realist I figure if I ask for your opinion I want the full truth. I can lie to myself but I want friends to be honest. But like u said delusion is a disease.

  2. bassclef June 18, 2011 at 6:44 pm #

    Maybe after reading this they will find the error of their ways find a toilet and barf them up, then you all will be able to have happy, healthy relationships.

  3. weightloss downey October 22, 2011 at 7:15 pm #

    Current and former, have been tourist?Bronchitis is caused, each other ?.Sporting event Golfers, so you are.Women is one weightloss downey, provide the utmost they are dirty.Doubt one of, box Thus Article.,

  4. Kiah November 28, 2011 at 10:03 am #

    Oh please believe girls have the same drama!! lol You are right tho, girls are much stronger than guys! haha I just make it a point to not get into anyone’s business. I got enough drama in my own life! I listen and that’s about it. Kiah

  5. Rifan May 22, 2012 at 2:03 am #

    adamBATTAGLIA Posted on whit, your pictures are unaeeilvbble. sure, i’m really jealous but also REALLY JEALOUS. congrats on what seems to be a successful trip so far. can’t wait to see the show.


  1. Dropping Dead Weight | Where carbs come to die….Delusions & Doughnuts - January 31, 2012

    […] star but doesn’t realized he only shines when added with carbohydrates like pancake batter, check here for Lemon and Watermelon has no real association except she’s built like […]

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