Could Complete Morons Be Sabotaging Your Diet?

16 Aug

Diets.

Want to know why your last diet failed, because people are morons. Not you of course, I mean you have the self realization to know when your a** is getting a little too big. However, I’m referring to the selfish, annoying and mental delinquents that seem to drive you to eat with their inadvertent malfeasance (woah, I sound pretty smart when I’m annoyed and hungry.)

We all know to be successful on a diet or any workout program whether you are trying to build muscle or lose fat it takes discipline and dedication. What nutritionists, fitness trainers and countless diet books fail to mention of the causes to body blunders isn’t cheats day, poor food choices and skipping the gym but the people that you interact with during said diets.

Take me for example for the month of August I decided to give up sugar, dairy and people in the hope to shed a few more pounds before the end of summer and develop visible abs to flaunt on my upcoming Labor day vacation. Whenever I go on a diet that is more than seven days I cut off all people howbeit, romantic, close friends, coworkers or social media.

I don’t want to be around no one. I know for a fact that when I scroll my timeline or out in public and someone do (more so incapable of doing) or say something that just makes me want to gouge mine and their eyes out I turn to carbohydrates to avoid jail time or killing someone’s self esteem.

It’s proven that many people are emotional eaters, we eat in mourning (i.e. funerals, break ups or sad days) and in celebration (weddings, graduations or parties) so, it’s obvious that another person’s lack of common sense can cause a hunger attack and ruin your diet. To prevent this I just cancel going out with my friends and opt to get another workout in.

10 ways I keep dimwits from ruining my body.

  1.  Avoid Dates: Why do people consider dinner and a movie as the only way to interact with someone. You will not fill me up at dinner only to let it sit on my stomach and make its way to my thighs while we watch some movie you’re just going to ask me about throughout as if we didn’t start watching it at the same time.
  2. Don’t Answer Your Phone: It’s usually on the weekend your carefree (by carefree I mean chunky) friends want to invite you out to drink, eat and sleep late keeping you from your goal weight. Why should they care about your thighs obviously they‘ve given up.
  3. Cancel: I am not above canceling a romantic rendezvous, birthday party or game night because I want to go to bed early so I can get a 6 a.m. run in before it gets too hot outside.
  4. Save Your Advice: At least until after your final weigh-in, don’t listen to other people’s problems or help them correct their dismal life choices. They won’t listen anyway which in turn will cause you to eat some grease flavored meals to deal with their asinine decisions.
  5. Peer Pressure is For Acne Ridden High School-ers: Your coworkers or team members don’t care about your chubby face thus, they are going order pizza under guise of “working late.” Get your work done and leave.
  6. Save Sick Days: Everyone have a simpleton coworker, lunatic boss or piled up deadlines then, don’t use your sick days for actually being sick. Wait till you begin your diet and use them to stay away from the junk food area of your desk you massacre when your job starts to stress you out.
  7. A Fat Friend Ain’t Your Friend: Omg! I have a friend that signs up for a new gym membership every other month, constantly ask me for workout or diet tips and complain about how guys don’t look at him because he don’t have muscles. However, he never sees a diet all the way through and ignores my advice. That drives me crazy and I feel like he’s trying to pull me down like his sagging gut.
  8. Do It Yourself: People are just going to mess things up, save yourself the headache and do everything yourself till after your diet and I guarantee it will be easier to drive pass a drive-thru in rage.
  9. Fat Guilt: Jealous is a disease called obesity. Don’t let your friends or lover talk you into just “trying” something or shame you for reading the back of your container. It’s perfectly fine to choose the ab machine over a romantic night out (maybe that’s why I’m single.)
  10. Keep Your Ear buds Accessible: Even when there is no music playing I keep my headphones on, I don’t want people bothering me with their life.

Overall, frustration is how butterballs are born. Steer clear of people for a better rear.

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